


Line of Kylo Ren's Dialogue

by kassanovella



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dubious Consent, F/M, I got bored, Parody, every kassanovella fic ever written, everyone breaks the fourth wall and we love it, just a bunch of jokes, smut kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:01:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24571966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kassanovella/pseuds/kassanovella
Summary: Being that this was a fanfiction written by kassanovella, it was to be anticipated that the Reader-character would, in fact, do something that resulted in violent sex with Kylo Ren.What that would be was difficult to discern, as neither the title, summary, or tags gave any sort of helpful hints as to the content of this one-shot.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 75
Kudos: 231





	Line of Kylo Ren's Dialogue

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to make fun of myself because I'm sick of my own bullshit.

"Oh, boy," said the Reader-character (that's you, by the way), "I sure hope nothing happens today that will end with me having violent sex with Kylo Ren!"

That was the statement made by the main character indicating foreshadowing of future events. Being that this was a fanfiction written by kassanovella, it was to be anticipated that the Reader-character would, in fact, do something that resulted in violent sex with Kylo Ren. What that would be was difficult to discern, as neither the title, summary, or tags gave any sort of helpful hints as to the content of this one-shot.

The Reader-character continued throughout her day, doing nothing of value or worth remembering, as this was a one-shot, and her motivations were wholly unimportant. It was only after a short set-up and half-assed attempt at plotting that the Reader-character came into contact with the only person the audience actually gives a shit about: Kylo Ren.

"Kylo Ren," she said. "It's you!"

Kylo Ren looked blank, because writing that is an easy cop-out to make him look complex. "Yes." 

"Wow, you sure are big," said the Reader-character, immediately throwing the audience out because that's something they would never say to Kylo Ren. "In comparison to me, I'd say you're massive!"

Kylo Ren took his big ol' enormous gigantic massive overwhelming hands and snatched the Reader-character's neck. Then he said nothing, since the author couldn't think of anything useful or exciting for him to say.

"Let me go!" In this moment, the Reader-character was articulating the exact opposite of what the audience wanted to happen. "I'm both angry and turned on by this!"

"I am annoyed by your shouting."

"This is my only way of demonstrating any sort of personality!" she said. "I have less than 3000 words to establish engaging characterization!"

"Enough." Kylo Ren was becoming inexplicably turned on by this, something that the author never decides to explain or elaborate on. "If you continue, we will have violent sex." 

"Oh, no!" replied the Reader-character. "I only halfway want this to happen!"

"I know," said Kylo Ren. "One of the tags is Dubious Consent."

"What? How did you know that?"

"I looked up and read them."

The Reader-character scoffed. "That sounds like a waste of time. You know the author only uses tags to make luke-warm jokes, rather than filling them with useful information about what to expect!"

"Yes." Kylo Ren's face continued to be stoic, which the audience apparently needed a reminder of. "But I think this one might be accurate."

It was at that point Kylo Ren leaned in and started the sex scene, a signal to the audience that they should not have started reading this fanfic on the bus. 

The Reader-character's thighs probably clamped together as she pretended to resist Kylo Ren for the benefit of the dubious consent tag. "Why do I never get to start the sex scene?" 

"Because writing characters with agency is too difficult."

Kylo Ren then made obvious his thick erection, which was shocking to the Reader-character in its size and girth. Seriously, it was so big that it too could be described with words such as massive enormous gigantic and overwhelming, but those words were already used to describe other parts of Kylo Ren's body. The Reader-character made noises and experienced bodily reactions that were described with lots of adjectives with the intent to drag the scene out as long as possible.

Meanwhile, Kylo Ren refused to take his clothes off as he prepared to enact violent sex. This was both infuriating and baffling to the audience, because they came to read Kylo Ren porn, yet he never bothers to get undressed in any fic on this author's page. It was after some drawn-out foreplay that penis-in-vagina finally, finally happened, though it was written in a way that imitated a bad porno.

"I'm going to fuck your little pussy and make you cum, whore," said Kylo Ren.

"You do that every--fuck--every time!"

"But this time is different," he replied through ragged breath, "because it's happening in a scenario that the author hasn't written about."

The sex was very aggressive and violent in ways that would not appear pleasurable to any typical human. There was also, likely, a bizarre kink or two thrown into the scene, as creating a good or interesting story is always secondary to inserting whatever gross garbage the author has a taste for that week.

Finally, after some dirty talk and more verbal humiliation, both the Reader-character and Kylo Ren came simultaneously in orgasms that were written about in language that failed to capture the reality of most orgasms (disappointing). They breathed and stared at each other in acknowledgement that the sex scene was over and their relationship was now different than it was at the beginning of this fanfiction.

The audience was then forced to read through overwrought flowery paragraphs where the author was clearly trying to shove in as many metaphors and analogies as possible in order to look like she knew what she was doing. Of course, she didn't, and never does, but by opening a thesaurus and beating people over the head with as many different words as possible, the author believes she is tricking people into thinking she is competent. At some point _italics_ were used for emphasis on words she couldn't bother to try and make important through showing versus telling.

"That was a lot of nonsense for one little sex scene," said the Reader-character. "Is the story over yet?"

"A line of Kylo Ren's dialogue."

"What?"

"The author can't think of titles, so I needed to say something she could use as a title."

"Oh."

Kylo Ren continued looking blank and vacant. The Reader-character ruminated on the change in status quo.

"So..." she asked. "How is she going to end the story?" 

His eyes glimmered with an emotion. "Like this."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this crackfic, LMFAO, I just wanted to be funny.


End file.
